Tuesday 8 March 2011 - Pallekele Cricket Stadium, Kandy.
Having won their first three games against Kenya, second-favourites Sri Lanka and Canada, hopes amongst the Pakistani fans that their team had enough breathtaking talent, unstoppable ability and was now capable of some much sought-after consistency to win the tournament were beginning to grow.
It is an hour and a half before the start of Pakistan's fourth World Cup group match against New Zealand at Kandy's new stadium of international status, the Pallekele Cricket Stadium. In a stroke of investigative genius, I managed to hide several microphones and mini-cameras in the Pakistan dressing room the night before. I knew it would be the Pakistan dressing room because there was a sign on the door that read 'Parkistarn'. Apparently it is the new spelling of the word to adhere to the new pronounciation these days. Here is what went on before the game against the Kiwis:
Shahid Afridi, captain and newly-appointed demon bowler of the attack, is first through the door after the team's initial warm-up of fielding drills which included letting the ball past you whilst looking as though giving maximum effort to stop the ball. Afridi has already washed his hair twice this morning, but he jumps in the shower with his Head and Shoulders once more. The commercials he does have clearly gone to his head in more ways than one.
As the others filter through to further prepare for the game, Shoaib Akhtar is heard begging Afridi for the use of his shampoo, but the skipper simply replies stubbornly: 'Who won us the last three matches? You can use the shampoo when you do something of worth.' Shoaib, tail between his legs, trudges back to his corner of the changing room, where he asks Umar Gul if his bum looks big in the trousers he wears. Gul laughs.
Across the room Kamran Akmal is delicately and lovingly icing Ross Taylor's birthday cake with the words 'You're welcome', whilst his brother, Umar, shouts over to him: 'You want Utterly Butterly smearing on your gloves, yaar?'
'Well I usually use Flora Pro-active, but both are okay. You choose,' screeches Kamran.
Afridi berates them with a fierce snarl: 'Keep your bloody voices down will you!'
'Why are we doing this anyway?' says the young 19-year-old opening bat Ahmed Shehzad.
'We've won the last three games. We can't have anyone thinking we are a decent side, can we?' says Younus Khan, former captain and experienced inconsistent performer.
Pakistan Cricket Board Chairman Ijaz Butt slowly wanders in, fiddling with his HTC Desire. 'More than a hundred runs, yaar?' he asks no-one in particular. 'I'm just on Paddy Power now. Good luck.'
Abdul Razzaq looks serious and glum. 'So, no yorkers, but plenty of full tosses and length balls at the back end?' he says, seeking confirmation.
'Yes, sorry Razza but in all likelihood your figures are going to take a pounding today. It has to be done. We can't be seen as a quality outfit and become one of the favourites for the World Cup. That would betray Allah,' says Afridi.
As Kamran Akmal starts to rub sun lotion on his face, Mohammad Hafeez perks up. 'That won't make you any less ugly you know,' says Hafeez.
'Shut up Feezy!' replies Akmal. 'At least I won't be the ugliest player on the park today though. Scott Styris is playing!'
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